Highs and Lows, Wins and Losses.

So I was praising any god that might control the weather when it got warm on Thursday. The kids and I passed the time easily, and went for a walk around town. We walked over to Sts Peter and Paul church, one of the oldest churches in the state. Duncan likes the stautes of Peter and Paul with the keys and sword and the little courtyard. Off to the left is a statue of Mary, so we looked at her too.
I don't go in much for organized religions -- I dig eastern belief systems and paganism -- and I know next to nothing about Catholocism and the saints and such. So the extent of my story about Mary was "Mary was a very special mommy, who had a very special baby named Jesus." I think Dunc and Ri can wait 'til they're a bit older to learn about religion -- and then decide for themselves if it's bullshit or not. What is religion anyway, except a construct of beliefs that resonate in your heart? I made a promise to my grandma on her deathbed that my babies would know about Jesus, and I won't break it. But I will let them know that they can choose to believe or not.
Moving on. Friday was fine. We had a picnic snack in the backyard. I ate Doritos and Dunc had Cheetoes. Yeah, horribly unhealthy. But come on. Everything in moderation. Some junk food a couple times a week is not something that worries me, when his normal snack of choice is carrot sticks or wheat thins. Deprivation leads to binging. Moderation results in a measure of self-regulation.
Friday night we went to a reverse raffle and my mom and sister Gianna kept the kids. It was the first time I've left Riley with anyone but Dave for an extended period of time and I was nervous. After all, she's at the seperation anxiety stage, she's teething, and even on normal nights she wants only me after about 7:30. But it went surprisingly well. I showed my mom how to use the ring sling and I think that helped. And the raffle was fun. Spraffin shite with clan Elder, got Cousin Mike angry discussing politics. I always find it interesting to talk to folks who try to be informed -- maybe even especially those who hold differing views from my own.
Anyway, I enjoy those folks, and we enjoyed the free food, and we walked outta there with $150. Hooray for winning.
So we got home after ten, Dunc was awake, then Ri woke up for boob. We didn't get them back out until about midnight. Dave and I got to bed about 12:30. Unfortunately, I couldn't get to sleep until after one . . . and my alarm starts going off at 3 so I can nurse Riley before work. I felt like a zombie, but work was OK. I came home to a tired husband and kids who were wide awake. Somehow in my sleep-deprived daze I made it til noon and got Dunc down for a nap. I then took Ri upstairs for what I hoped would be a short nap . . . and woke up at 5 pm! Wasted all the nice weather sleeping.
Sunday we took Dunc to Target for new shoes. He freaked out. Screamed when we took off his old ones. So we grabbed a pair of 9 1/2's and went to Buehlers to cash in WIC coupons and get a few essentials. I introduced Dave and Dunc to what has long been my favorite spurge -- Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai. It's made with soymilk and is pretty good for you -- all natural and blah blah blah -- but it tastes so good you'd swear it was unhealthy. Speaking of healthy stuffs, I also finally picked up a bottle of fish oil caplets. I can do with some Omega-3's for sure. And I really don't like fish, especially the oily ones, so I think a supplement is in order.
Monday was fine, we went outside. I chased Dunc around and then we went around the house looking for spring flowers that might have popped up. The daylilies by the garage are coming through. Our strawberry patch has spread quite a bit. I think I saw a crocus leaf, and the daffodils are coming up as well. I gave Riley a piece of pine tree to check out, and amazingly it didn't go into her mouth!
Tuesday . . . *sigh* Tuesday was bad. I really could've used the internet. The rain made me feel like a prisoner. A prisoner who got locked up with a couple of crazy monkies. And . . . well . . .it was a BIG step backward for me. Since Dunc's been walking, I've struggled with myself over methods of discipline. We've gone the non-violent way -- no spanking or slapping. It can be really tough for me because of my own upbringing, but I usually do quite well. Not Tuesday though. Then after our meltdowns, I called Dave. I wanted to try to talk to him about it, tell him how angry I was with myself, how horrified I was, how guilty, and also to ask for help. I tried to get him to come home from work. I felt like it would be best for me to not be alone with the kids, since I was clearly not in control. Instead of his support, I got his anger.
It was more of the same old shit. How everyone else's wife handles it, and why can't I, am I incompetant, why can't I just do it all the time on my own. There was more but I'm not gonna sit here and badmouth my husband. Suffice to say that instead of helping, he made the day worse. When he got home we did manage to speak calmly and honestly, and did our best to listen openly. The result was to declare Thursday evenings my time to be on my own. And us agreeing that although we've chosen a rather more difficult path than our mainstream friends and relations, we both still feel that nonviolent discipline and an attachment philosophy is the best way to go. The occasional failure is to be expected, especially given our backgrounds, but our kids are worth it.
If I'd had internet access, I could've visited AP Cleveland. I could've been reminded of all the reasons I chose this path. I could've talked to other moms who struggle with similar things. I could've whined without having to hear about how I should be able to be a good mother and good housekeeper and good wife without help. I could've spent some time feeling like part of a tribe instead of feeling like I'm alone on a small island.
Wednesday's trip to the Wadsworth library went well. Dunc was fairly calm and quiet. I picked up Unconditional Parenting along with a couple of other parenting books, and the first graphic novel adaptation of Stephen King's Dark Tower Series -- The Gunslinger Born. It's a gorgeous book. Beautiful, dark, rich illustration. And it sticks pretty close to the original text. Neither child napped, though, so we postponed the trip to my mom's until Thursday.
Dave had band practice Wednesday night. I was nervous, wondering how I'd do spending the whole night without Dave's help. But it went really well. We played with the HUGE batch of red play dough, had a quick dinner, and both kids were sleeping by 9. I even grabbed a quick shower before Dave got home at 10:30. Fuckin Supermom. Fo' real.
I dunno exactly what went on, but it seems he found new appreciation for me somewhere. Or else he was stroking my ego. Callin me supermom and talking up my successes with the kids. And he said "You're so beautiful. I can't believe I get to have sex with you." Which I like hearing, especially since my body's so change after two pregnancies and three years of nursing. So I feel pretty good, and self-esteem is nearly always an issue.
Today was fine. We read books and played. That's about it. We're here and we ate Popeye's chicken and fixin's. Things are good. That's it. The end. And stuff.